Saturday, 24 October 2015

IMPACTIVITIS


IMPACTIVITIS

 

            Due to what I consider to be the appalling repetitious mis-use of certain words in the media, I feel compelled to ‘important up’ one of the most fashionable yet virulent verbal aberrations which is rapidly becoming a full-blown epidemic.  Germinated and spread by pretentious professional public speakers, this highly contagious disease is now infecting large numbers of innocent people.

            I refer of course to the wanton abuse of the word Impact.

            In the not too distant past, Impact was a well respected word used by scientists in their measurements of the size strength and extent of a colossal meteoric fireball’s collision with planet earth.  Forensic investigators also use Impact appropriately in their serious analysis of a man-made car crash, train crash or plane crash. 

            But in the rapacious media world and Parish Council rooms, the word Impact is incessantly and gratuitously used by impactious pontificators to impacturbate on any subject under the Sun.  One abstract conceptual notion is said to be ‘impacting’ on another abstract conceptual notion.  Wow, what an earth shattering impact!

            The perpetrators of impactivism could soon be saying that a falling feather makes an ‘impact’ on soft grass.  If I hear this, my flabber will be completely ghasted.  How many more ridiculous non-impacts can decent people endure? 

            There are probably more real impacts per minute in a boxing match, tennis match or football match than anywhere else, but do we ever hear sensible people say ‘impact’ instead of punch or hit or kick? 

            This originally strong and meaningful word with a genuine physical specificity, has been arrogantly relegated to the low level of many a worthless word for all occasions.  Attention seeking speakers have high-jacked Impact and forced it into their egotistic rhetoric, thus rendering a potent word almost impotent.  Once they’ve said it once, they go on saying it, like a drug addict wanting fix after fix. 

            Do we forgive these mad militant impactivists for their Impact Addiction Disorder or do they deserve a word surgeon to give them an Impactomania lobotomy?

As in situations resulting from human ignorance greed and stupidity, nature itself eventually determines that saturation of a sickness must occur before reaching the point of refusal to take any more.  So even as an infinitesimal part of the planet, I nevertheless hope to help nature bring about a speedy recovery of the strength of Impact, by attempting to make things worse before they get better. Or better before they get worse.  Who knows, but here goes.

             Something urgently impactive must be said about the rabid impacteological impactoxicity of the millions of verbal impacticles impacting on the impactlessness of the impacted upon by the seemingly unimpactable impactivicious impactors who desperately need the impactification of the English language to impactivate their otherwise unimpactful dim-witted dreary public speaking.  

            Furthermoreover, the impactuous impactellatiousness of the impactossers, impactasises their insane impacturbation and promiscuous impactuality.  Their self inflicted addiction to pathological Impactivitis is at present sucking like a perverted parasite on the impactful potency of the word Impact.

            Public speakers would do better when they remember that Impact is a strong spirit, not to be roughly necked like eight pints of beer, but to be gently sipped and enjoyed as an exquisite liqueur, only on the most appropriate occasions. 

           
“Absolutely clearly challenging” – said Mr President.

            “Three more worthless words” – said the wiseman.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

THE NINE AND A HALF COMMANDMENTS


THE NINE AND A HALF COMMANDMENTS

For women who wear EezyPeezy – the only tights with a hole in the middle.
 

          Thou shalt not fuck thy father when he’s cross dressing.

          Thou shalt not powder thy pussy before the vet has had a look.

          Thou shalt not worship any graven image other than thine own in shop windows.

          Thou shalt not beg thy husband to cane thy buttocks until the children are in bed.

          Thou shalt not gag on thy neighbour’s cock when he’s driving on the motorway.

          Thou shalt not speaketh of thy sore cunt at Womens Institute knitting circles.

          Thou shalt not borrow thy grandmother’s hardly used condom on Saturdays.

          Thou shalt not have thy flabber ghasted by the girth of thy neighbour’s donkey.

          Thou shalt not deepthroat thy holy father’s cock outside the confession box.

          Thou shalt not use a cold cucumber when .…….
 

     “Oh, some girls are so sinful”- said Mother Superior.

     “All the more to forgive them for” – said the wiseman.