BBC SCOTTISHOSSERTY
THE SPONSORRUPTION OF SPORT
A spokesman for the Lawn Tennis Association and the All England Club has
scotched allegations of match fixing at Wimbledon . He said there is 'absolutely' no truth in
rumours about a fat black unmarried lineswoman, 53 from Streatham, being paid
£17.60 (twice the London
living hourly wage) for every ‘out’ call she screamed on Andrew Murray’s
service games against Grigor Dimitrov in the quarter finals. However, she was carried off to hospital with
a sore throat – Murray
ran out of challenges – and Hawk Eye broke down due to an overload of line-call
replays.
During a violent thunderstorm ‘with
hailstones the size of’ World Cup testicles, which had been predicted by the
Meteorological Office, both players refused to carry on playing when their
balls got stuck in the mud behind the base line. After much confusion amongst court officials
and the umpire with walkie talkie technology and a Met Office hotline, the
tournament referee eventually decided to close the new high-speed rolling roof
on Centre Court .
No-one knows if Murray went off in a
huff blaming the women in his life (some of whom fancy Lopez, Dimitrov and
Nadal) and then smashing up his champion’s dressing room like a drug crazed
rock star – or disappeared for another shorter-than-short haircut given by a
scissor-happy hairdresser eager for even a short hair from Andy’s head in exchange
for some energising and perhaps homo-erotic tittle tattle.
After the not unexpected 30 minute
rain delay, play was resumed by seamlessly replacing the hoarse lineswoman with
a fat white twice-divorced linesman, 66 from Aberdeen, sporting an aggressive
voice and a high sporran count, who is said to be the father of an undisclosed
number of BBC programme presenters.
Murray’s defeat in the quarter
finals is rumoured amongst tennis pundits and muscle-bound Centre Court
bouncers to be due to a before-the-match argument with his girlfriend about
their pet dog baring its teeth like a horse and punching the air with both
front paws since becoming addicted to single malt wee whisky flavoured dog
biscuits – rather than a strict diet of raw haggis and mummy-knows-best
discipline.
These and other post-match
speculations have also been 'robustly' scotched –
this time by Murray’s new tough
looking French female coach who suggested that his pre-match caber tossing
exercises may have been interrupted by the dog chewing and puncturing Andy’s
best set of balls and then vomiting over 10 highly-strung Head racquets. After trying to get its nose inside the tight
restricting nylon knickers stitched into Murray ’s
penis-picking long baggy shorts, the dog rolled over and fell asleep in front of the
video of Murray ’s 2013 Wimbledon
win. No wonder Andy had a bad hair of
the dog day.
Early in the morning after Murray’s
Britottish defeat and all-night angry racist bigoted ‘offensive’
Scotsaphobia in the twittersphere, a spokesperson for the BBC Board of
Governors (a short fat bloated red in the face, blue in the nose, long in the
tie, hot under the collar, middle-aged beige man of no known origin, wearing an
unconvincing comb-over) suddenly woke up and stepped up to the smell of a plate
of coffee spilled over his smartphone, and seized the opportunity for a
television interview in Parliament Square.
The first question hit him right
between his bloodshot eyes – “Is the BBC to blame for the rapid rise of Scottishism
over the last 20 years virally infecting British society?” With customary bluster plus the gift of the
gab, he defensively deflected this and supplementary questions concerning the
BBC’s dangerously dis-proportionate positive discrimination towards Scottish
accents. And, undeterred by the camera crew’s raised
eyebrows, he said it would be 'absolutely' genuinely dis-ingenuous for anyone to suggest
that the Scottish are fast becoming England’s new mafia, particularly because
they are not yet running London’s waste disposal operations. He went further by saying that the BBC
positively welcomes Scottish immigrants because of their indispensable
contribution to British Broadcasting, the House of Commons, the House of Lords,
the Civil Service, the British economy and the City of London banking system – and indeed the well being
of all political commercial cultural and sporting life on the planet.
Some
might wonder if the so-called United
Kingdom would be a spent nation without
Scottishism, multi-ghettoism and European dis-Unionism.
Anyway, after clearing his throat
and adjusting the fall of his tie, the male spokesperson, being of well polished
political correctosserty, was nevertheless somewhat embarrassed and
understandably reluctant to answer probing questions about the BBC being far better
at ‘social engineering’ than politicians in Westminster and permanent
secretaries and senior civil servants in Whitehall. He would only say ‘at the end of the day
going forward’, that the special relationship between the BBC, the government
and the civil service should not be accused of the exponential Scottishalisation
of the UK – nor of ruthlessly using aspirational Scottish immigrants as a ‘human
shield’ to stop Islamical Jihadist insurgents making a global laughing stock
out of world famous British liberal tolerance.
Further questions about a British post-colonial guilt-ridden identity
crisis contaminating 21st century British society were swiftly dismissed as
being ‘beyond his pay grade’.
Having neptly side-stepped the rogue
‘kangaroo in the room’ questions with the verbosity of a lesbian lawyer, he
went on to console scotsophrenic tough-love-game lovers by saying that if Andy
Murray can continue to lose big matches, the BBC will offer him a
lucrative contract to become a TV tennis commentator. The commercially correct implication here is,
that dear sweet lovable ah-bless-him well dressed national treasure ‘come-on’
Tim Henman on the Hill, is not altogether adept at public speaking with a dour
grousy Scottish accent. But he is on
‘the committee’.
There is some talk amongst tennis afficionados that although the BBC have
recently recruited a Scottish male TV tennis commentator – one Scottish accent,
however hard heavy rough tough and supposedly sexy and strong, cannot possibly
cover the 80 or so televised matches played in Wimbledon’s 2 week tournament –
it’s just too much work for one lone homesick Scotsman ‘voicing-up’ tennis way
down south of the chip-on-the-boulder. Therefore
the BBC will need to find another dozen ‘rough sexy’ voices in order to provide
the British public and worldwide audiences with the maximum Scottish verbal coverage
of the All England Club Ladies and Gentlemens Tennis at Wimbledon
in 2015.
Moreover, it has been mooted ‘off the record’ by covert political crossdressers, that in order to promote equality of opportunity for women in the
workplace, plus equal pay, powder rooms, maternity leave and nappy changing
facilities, the BBC may be forced to employ several more Scottish female
broadcasters with aggressive accents to provide strong ‘authoritative’
commentary over the Ladies Tennis screaming matches. However, this extra employment of Angusesses
for only 2 weeks at Wimbledon is expected to be not nearly enough to meet the
aching demand coming from 40 million English, Welsh, Irish and Channel Island ‘hard-working
families’ for hundreds more Scottish voices in British broadcasting.
Some say the BBC is not guilty, when questioned about ‘grooming’ innocent
British people for scotchual gratification.
But in the old school tradition of “it wasn’t me sir – it was him sir”,
they sheepishly point a pointy finger at the puritannical Presbyterian adulterous
long dead despotic Scottish founding father of the BBC in 1923 – who is still,
somehow from the grave, fiercely eye-browing and Director Generalling BBC
programmes in 2014.
Such is the nature of the Reithian
beast in the 21st century.
Verily, the BBC may sayeth unto its flock of humble licence fee payers – “the
corporation is justly proud of its totally open-minded well balanced un-biased
liberal impartiality, and strongly scotches any accusation of dis-proportionate
negative discrimination against the rich variety of other British regional
accents”.
In the wonderful world of
corporatosserty – does anyone shive a git?
Powered by even more Scottish Energy over the last 20 years, scotchaholic
BBC executives and producers in London
have gone 499 ‘extra miles’ to provide at least one Scottish voice in every 5
minutes of radio and television broadcasting.
But sadly they have so far failed.
With all their recruitment incentives, pay scales and pension plans to
entice young ‘up-skilled’ Media Studies graduates down south to London’s warm,
sunny, affluent, multi-ghettoural society – ‘the supply side’ is still not
meeting ‘the demand side’.
This situation could cause serious problems for Radio 4 and BBC
television, both of which depend heavily on a continuous supply of Scottish
voices – particularly those belonging to female presenters, newsreaders,
weather women, journalists, reporters, voice overists and various correspondents –
most of whom at various points in their careers will claim their ‘human rights’
to maternity leave. If a number of them
become pregnant at the same time (which does happen when women live and work
closely together in confined spaces) the BBC will suffer a colossal loss of
Scottish accents, leading to a possible 9 month collapse of programmes across
the entire schedule.
The BBC has however, curmudgeonly acknowledged its duty to licence pee fayers
and the need to ‘re-kickstart’ its recruitment of both male and female Scottish
voices by all means possible including double salary contracts – not only as
replacements for simultaneous pregnancies and maternity leaves, but also
because the British people, and millions of Commonwealth listeners to the BBC World
Service in their far-away homes and un-globalised villages, are crying out for the
sound of well masticated words in their ears.
So the ‘big questions’ remain unanswered, namely – can the BBC in concert
with other broadcasting companies keep on sustainably fracking hundreds more voices
from Scotland on the Rocks? And, can a cold
wet windy, yet picturesque region containing urban areas not much bigger than
a thousand or so ‘full size football pitches’ support a small population, almost half of
whom are children and old people, with only a few women of child bearing age to
give birth to and raise the required number of ambitious accents willing to
migrate south? But not too far south as
having to learn French as a foreign language?
Alex Salmond and his wee Scottish National Party needs to hang on to all
the old highland broadcasters he can get to promote his and Nicola Sturgeon’s
personal ambition for Scottish independence.
But can the raucous tribal call of Salmond and Sturgeon bagpipes
prevent hungry young kilt-clad broadcasters from climbing over the Great Wall
of Scotland and leaping onto the back of lorries to escape from the fish farm fumes
of the ‘gas fired’ Scottish Nutty Party?
And will these refugees from
torture, seeking asylum in London on Thames , be embraced by the BBC eager to fly the flag of
Scottish National Pride high up on Broadcasting House?
Due to great British submissive
‘tolerance’, the Scottishalisation of British Broadcasting may never reach a
point of refusal.
Returning to the more civilised subject of match fixing at Wimbledon -
without a whiff of digressmentalitis - no-one from Downing Street or Buckingham Palace was available for interview
because they were all well strawberried and creamed in the Royal Box, turning
their noses up at the stench of anglo-indian Stiff Pilchard pop corn with extra
cheese. But the Minister for Independent
Reviews and Public Enquiries will say in his or her speech today that he or she
is setting up a Full Scale Overarching Independent Public Enquiry ‘headed-up’
by Lord Chief Justice Cohenberg, plus a parallel Police Investigation to gently
look into tennis match fixing and insider betting – the ‘outcomes’ of which
could be published as soon as 2029.
This 'Full Scale Overarching Independent Public Enquiry' is expected to be
extended to cover various other sporting practices (but not FGM) including –
·
Sports men and women holding hands with innocent
children as they enter sports stadiums.
·
Live TV camera-carrying motorcycles pumping
toxic exhaust fumes into the faces and lungs of the world’s fittest and fastest
London Marathon runners.
·
FIFA’s failure to insist on separate showers and
closets for distressed homosexual footballers playing in the 2014 World Cup
·
The controversial decision by the International
Olympic Committee to exclude granny baiting, dwarf tossing, gut barging, neck
stretching, queer bashing and razor-wire wrestling from the 2016 Olympic Games.
·
TV sports news presenters grimacing and baring
both sets of ultra-white porcelain teeth as they race through the Autocue with
artificially emphasised monotonal turbo-talk.
·
The kissing, fondling, cuddling and
stroking of cups, plates, saucers, teaspoons and trophies by champion sports persons of
indeterminate sexual orientation.
·
Ladies Tennis players screaming like foreign
fishwives at 100 decibels to intimidate their opponents, distract the umpire
and confuse line judge ‘out’ calls.
·
Scandalous allegations of bribery and corruption
causing FIFA officials’ decision to award Qatar as the best host country for
the 2022 Football World Cup.
·
Qatar Football Club’s indecision about building
a not-for-profit 100,000 seater stadium with a refrigerated roof, spit buckets
and foul odour sprinklers to ensure that England’s match-fit world team will
not have to play like squabbling toddlers in a hot oily sandpit.
·
International indoor and outdoor tennis arenas covered
in roving spotlights, plastered in corporate advertising, populated by
intimidating in-your-face TV cameramen and bombarded with ear-splitting pop
music between sets and matches.
·
Formula One two-way contra flow motor racing
circuits with no underpasses for frogs and hedgehogs.
·
Tour de France lycra-tight men cyclists shaving
their legs while free wheeling down steep twisting mountain passes.
·
100 metre women sprinters knocking out their
smouldering smoky pipes on the starting blocks and lane hopping before a photo
finish.
·
Golf caddies to top golfers being paid huge
bonuses for swallowing the lost balls of competing golfers before the 19th
hole.
·
The Archbishoprics Association for the
Preservation of Cathedral Roofs applying for a licence to sell alcohol at
same-sex couples only, all-night marathon Roof Dancing on Roller Skates competitions
during the Christmas holidays.
·
Bishopesses and cardinalesses being threatened
with dis-qualification if not fully de-frocked before competing in the 2016
Olympic Pole Vaulting Championships.
·
Corporate hospitality ticket touting and match
fixing of synchronised team Missile Throwing in the North Korean Nuclear Games.
·
Crowd control and crash barriers at mixed
doubles Speed Humping on Ice rallies.
·
English gentleman cricketers with cock and bollock
boxes aggressively ‘sledging’ about the sexual habits of the other team’s
batsman’s grandmother across slippery wickets in World Series Test Matches.
·
Regular monthly dope testing of women runners
wearing gas masks and flippers in the 3 minute mile.
·
Yellow cards shown to religious fundamentalist footballers
rag-heading the ball, using explosives to move the goal posts and leaving a
dishevelled playing field.
·
Accusations of unfair advantage taken by the
British Mens Downhill Lawnmower Racing team for wearing sock suspenders and
riding side-saddle in the Dutch Grand Prix.
·
Corporate sponsored amateur Planetathon runners sniffing
rocket fuel in the Race to the Sun finals.
·
Traces of performance enhancing drugs found on
the remains of blood stained bikinis belonging to the British Womens Chain Saw
Wrestling team after their collapse in the French Open quarter finals.
·
Young short distance runners heavily handicapped
by blinkers and bomb belts in World Religion Racing.
·
Members of the London Ladies Fire Hose Swallowing
team bending the Code of Conduct in the qualifying laps for pole position.
·
Gentlemens Tennis players picking at their
penises and rectums through tight nylon knickers and long baggy shorts during
‘love’ service games.
·
The sexual discriminatory ban on Ladies Tennis
players picking at their nipples, noo-noos and back bottoms through tight
sports underbras, big thick knickers and flying pussy pelmets during ‘love’ service
games.
Nevertheless, despite the Full Scale
Overarching Independent Public Enquiry into the well established sponsorruption
of sport – even more noo sports noos (American pronunciation) will be coming up
at the bottom of the hour, half an hour after the weather news before the top
stories at the top of the hour have been repeated at the bottom of the hour
just after the sports news – just in case you’ve just switched on or you’ve
forgotten the top stories at the top of the hour being repeated at the bottom
of the hour just after the sports news is repeated half an hour before the top
stories at the top of the hour have been repeated just after the weather news,
half an hour before the sports news is repeated at the bottom of the hour just
before the……...
Meanwhile, Match Fixing, BBC
Scottishosserty and the Sponsorruption of Sport continue to flourish – and yet
magically disappear from the news, as if they have been surreptitiously swept
under the carpet by the big stiff brush of vested interests therein
invested.
“Well, blow my whistle!”