Sunday, 3 August 2014



             Following my most obsessive compulsive enjoyment of this year’s two week festival of Wimbledon tennis, I now have time to write about some aspects of the tournament and other related subjects.

A spokesman for the Lawn Tennis Association and the All England Club has scotched allegations of match fixing at Wimbledon.  He said there is 'absolutely' no truth in rumours about a fat black unmarried lineswoman, 53 from Streatham, being paid £17.60 (twice the London living hourly wage) for every ‘out’ call she screamed on Andrew Murray’s service games against Grigor Dimitrov in the quarter finals.  However, she was carried off to hospital with a sore throat – Murray ran out of challenges – and Hawk Eye broke down due to an overload of line-call replays. 

            During a violent thunderstorm ‘with hailstones the size of’ World Cup testicles, which had been predicted by the Meteorological Office, both players refused to carry on playing when their balls got stuck in the mud behind the base line.  After much confusion amongst court officials and the umpire with walkie talkie technology and a Met Office hotline, the tournament referee eventually decided to close the new high-speed rolling roof on Centre Court. 

            No-one knows if Murray went off in a huff blaming the women in his life (some of whom fancy Lopez, Dimitrov and Nadal) and then smashing up his champion’s dressing room like a drug crazed rock star – or disappeared for another shorter-than-short haircut given by a scissor-happy hairdresser eager for even a short hair from Andy’s head in exchange for some energising and perhaps homo-erotic tittle tattle. 

            After the not unexpected 30 minute rain delay, play was resumed by seamlessly replacing the hoarse lineswoman with a fat white twice-divorced linesman, 66 from Aberdeen, sporting an aggressive voice and a high sporran count, who is said to be the father of an undisclosed number of BBC programme presenters. 
            Murray’s defeat in the quarter finals is rumoured amongst tennis pundits and muscle-bound Centre Court bouncers to be due to a before-the-match argument with his girlfriend about their pet dog baring its teeth like a horse and punching the air with both front paws since becoming addicted to single malt wee whisky flavoured dog biscuits – rather than a strict diet of raw haggis and mummy-knows-best discipline. 

            These and other post-match speculations have also been 'robustly' scotched –   this time by Murray’s new tough looking French female coach who suggested that his pre-match caber tossing exercises may have been interrupted by the dog chewing and puncturing Andy’s best set of balls and then vomiting over 10 highly-strung Head racquets.  After trying to get its nose inside the tight restricting nylon knickers stitched into Murray’s penis-picking long baggy shorts, the dog rolled over and fell asleep in front of the video of Murray’s 2013 Wimbledon win.  No wonder Andy had a bad hair of the dog day. 

            Early in the morning after Murray’s Britottish defeat and all-night angry racist bigoted ‘offensive’ Scotsaphobia in the twittersphere, a spokesperson for the BBC Board of Governors (a short fat bloated red in the face, blue in the nose, long in the tie, hot under the collar, middle-aged beige man of no known origin, wearing an unconvincing comb-over) suddenly woke up and stepped up to the smell of a plate of coffee spilled over his smartphone, and seized the opportunity for a television interview in Parliament Square.

            The first question hit him right between his bloodshot eyes – “Is the BBC to blame for the rapid rise of Scottishism over the last 20 years virally infecting British society?”  With customary bluster plus the gift of the gab, he defensively deflected this and supplementary questions concerning the BBC’s dangerously dis-proportionate positive discrimination towards Scottish accents.   And, undeterred by the camera crew’s raised eyebrows, he said it would be 'absolutely' genuinely dis-ingenuous for anyone to suggest that the Scottish are fast becoming England’s new mafia, particularly because they are not yet running London’s waste disposal operations.  He went further by saying that the BBC positively welcomes Scottish immigrants because of their indispensable contribution to British Broadcasting, the House of Commons, the House of Lords, the Civil Service, the British economy and the City of London banking system – and indeed the well being of all political commercial cultural and sporting life on the planet. 

            Some might wonder if the so-called United Kingdom would be a spent nation without Scottishism, multi-ghettoism and European dis-Unionism.

            Anyway, after clearing his throat and adjusting the fall of his tie, the male spokesperson, being of well polished political correctosserty, was nevertheless somewhat embarrassed and understandably reluctant to answer probing questions about the BBC being far better at ‘social engineering’ than politicians in Westminster and permanent secretaries and senior civil servants in Whitehall.  He would only say ‘at the end of the day going forward’, that the special relationship between the BBC, the government and the civil service should not be accused of the exponential Scottishalisation of the UK – nor of ruthlessly using aspirational Scottish immigrants as a ‘human shield’ to stop Islamical Jihadist insurgents making a global laughing stock out of world famous British liberal tolerance.  Further questions about a British post-colonial guilt-ridden identity crisis contaminating 21st century British society were swiftly dismissed as being ‘beyond his pay grade’.

            Having neptly side-stepped the rogue ‘kangaroo in the room’ questions with the verbosity of a lesbian lawyer, he went on to console scotsophrenic tough-love-game lovers by saying that if Andy Murray can continue to lose big matches, the BBC will offer him a lucrative contract to become a TV tennis commentator.  The commercially correct implication here is, that dear sweet lovable ah-bless-him well dressed national treasure ‘come-on’ Tim Henman on the Hill, is not altogether adept at public speaking with a dour grousy Scottish accent.  But he is on ‘the committee’.

There is some talk amongst tennis afficionados that although the BBC have recently recruited a Scottish male TV tennis commentator – one Scottish accent, however hard heavy rough tough and supposedly sexy and strong, cannot possibly cover the 80 or so televised matches played in Wimbledon’s 2 week tournament – it’s just too much work for one lone homesick Scotsman ‘voicing-up’ tennis way down south of the chip-on-the-boulder.  Therefore the BBC will need to find another dozen ‘rough sexy’ voices in order to provide the British public and worldwide audiences with the maximum Scottish verbal coverage of the All England Club Ladies and Gentlemens Tennis at Wimbledon in 2015.

Moreover, it has been mooted ‘off the record’ by covert political crossdressers, that in order to promote equality of opportunity for women in the workplace, plus equal pay, powder rooms, maternity leave and nappy changing facilities, the BBC may be forced to employ several more Scottish female broadcasters with aggressive accents to provide strong ‘authoritative’ commentary over the Ladies Tennis screaming matches.  However, this extra employment of Angusesses for only 2 weeks at Wimbledon is expected to be not nearly enough to meet the aching demand coming from 40 million English, Welsh, Irish and Channel Island ‘hard-working families’ for hundreds more Scottish voices in British broadcasting.

Some say the BBC is not guilty, when questioned about ‘grooming’ innocent British people for scotchual gratification.  But in the old school tradition of “it wasn’t me sir – it was him sir”, they sheepishly point a pointy finger at the puritannical Presbyterian adulterous long dead despotic Scottish founding father of the BBC in 1923 – who is still, somehow from the grave, fiercely eye-browing and Director Generalling BBC programmes in 2014.  

Such is the nature of the Reithian beast in the 21st century.

Verily, the BBC may sayeth unto its flock of humble licence fee payers – “the corporation is justly proud of its totally open-minded well balanced un-biased liberal impartiality, and strongly scotches any accusation of dis-proportionate negative discrimination against the rich variety of other British regional accents”. 

In the wonderful world of corporatosserty – does anyone shive a git?

Powered by even more Scottish Energy over the last 20 years, scotchaholic BBC executives and producers in London have gone 499 ‘extra miles’ to provide at least one Scottish voice in every 5 minutes of radio and television broadcasting.  But sadly they have so far failed.  With all their recruitment incentives, pay scales and pension plans to entice young ‘up-skilled’ Media Studies graduates down south to London’s warm, sunny, affluent, multi-ghettoural society – ‘the supply side’ is still not meeting ‘the demand side’. 

This situation could cause serious problems for Radio 4 and BBC television, both of which depend heavily on a continuous supply of Scottish voices – particularly those belonging to female presenters, newsreaders, weather women, journalists, reporters, voice overists and various correspondents – most of whom at various points in their careers will claim their ‘human rights’ to maternity leave.  If a number of them become pregnant at the same time (which does happen when women live and work closely together in confined spaces) the BBC will suffer a colossal loss of Scottish accents, leading to a possible 9 month collapse of programmes across the entire schedule.

The BBC has however, curmudgeonly acknowledged its duty to licence pee fayers and the need to ‘re-kickstart’ its recruitment of both male and female Scottish voices by all means possible including double salary contracts – not only as replacements for simultaneous pregnancies and maternity leaves, but also because the British people, and millions of Commonwealth listeners to the BBC World Service in their far-away homes and un-globalised villages, are crying out for the sound of well masticated words in their ears.

So the ‘big questions’ remain unanswered, namely – can the BBC in concert with other broadcasting companies keep on sustainably fracking hundreds more voices from Scotland on the Rocks?  And, can a cold wet windy, yet picturesque region containing urban areas not much bigger than a thousand or so ‘full size football pitches’ support a small population, almost half of whom are children and old people, with only a few women of child bearing age to give birth to and raise the required number of ambitious accents willing to migrate south?  But not too far south as having to learn French as a foreign language? 

Alex Salmond and his wee Scottish National Party needs to hang on to all the old highland broadcasters he can get to promote his and Nicola Sturgeon’s personal ambition for Scottish independence.  But can the raucous tribal call of Salmond and Sturgeon bagpipes prevent hungry young kilt-clad broadcasters from climbing over the Great Wall of Scotland and leaping onto the back of lorries to escape from the fish farm fumes of the ‘gas fired’ Scottish Nutty Party?   And will these refugees from torture, seeking asylum in London on Thames, be embraced by the BBC eager to fly the flag of Scottish National Pride high up on Broadcasting House?

Due to great British submissive ‘tolerance’, the Scottishalisation of British Broadcasting may never reach a point of refusal.

Returning to the more civilised subject of match fixing at Wimbledon - without a whiff of digressmentalitis - no-one from Downing Street or Buckingham Palace was available for interview because they were all well strawberried and creamed in the Royal Box, turning their noses up at the stench of anglo-indian Stiff Pilchard pop corn with extra cheese.  But the Minister for Independent Reviews and Public Enquiries will say in his or her speech today that he or she is setting up a Full Scale Overarching Independent Public Enquiry ‘headed-up’ by Lord Chief Justice Cohenberg, plus a parallel Police Investigation to gently look into tennis match fixing and insider betting – the ‘outcomes’ of which could be published as soon as 2029. 

This 'Full Scale Overarching Independent Public Enquiry' is expected to be extended to cover various other sporting practices (but not FGM) including –

·     Sports men and women holding hands with innocent children as they enter sports stadiums.

·     Live TV camera-carrying motorcycles pumping toxic exhaust fumes into the faces and lungs of the world’s fittest and fastest London Marathon runners.

·     FIFA’s failure to insist on separate showers and closets for distressed homosexual footballers playing in the 2014 World Cup

·     The controversial decision by the International Olympic Committee to exclude granny baiting, dwarf tossing, gut barging, neck stretching, queer bashing and razor-wire wrestling from the 2016 Olympic Games.

·     TV sports news presenters grimacing and baring both sets of ultra-white porcelain teeth as they race through the Autocue with artificially emphasised monotonal turbo-talk.

·     The kissing, fondling, cuddling and stroking of cups, plates, saucers, teaspoons and trophies by champion sports persons of indeterminate sexual orientation.

·     Ladies Tennis players screaming like foreign fishwives at 100 decibels to intimidate their opponents, distract the umpire and confuse line judge ‘out’ calls.

·     Scandalous allegations of bribery and corruption causing FIFA officials’ decision to award Qatar as the best host country for the 2022 Football World Cup.

·     Qatar Football Club’s indecision about building a not-for-profit 100,000 seater stadium with a refrigerated roof, spit buckets and foul odour sprinklers to ensure that England’s match-fit world team will not have to play like squabbling toddlers in a hot oily sandpit.

·     International indoor and outdoor tennis arenas covered in roving spotlights, plastered in corporate advertising, populated by intimidating in-your-face TV cameramen and bombarded with ear-splitting pop music between sets and matches.

·     Formula One two-way contra flow motor racing circuits with no underpasses for frogs and hedgehogs.

·     Tour de France lycra-tight men cyclists shaving their legs while free wheeling down steep twisting mountain passes.

·     100 metre women sprinters knocking out their smouldering smoky pipes on the starting blocks and lane hopping before a photo finish.

·     Golf caddies to top golfers being paid huge bonuses for swallowing the lost balls of competing golfers before the 19th hole.

·     The Archbishoprics Association for the Preservation of Cathedral Roofs applying for a licence to sell alcohol at same-sex couples only, all-night marathon Roof Dancing on Roller Skates competitions during the Christmas holidays.

·     Bishopesses and cardinalesses being threatened with dis-qualification if not fully de-frocked before competing in the 2016 Olympic Pole Vaulting Championships.

·     Corporate hospitality ticket touting and match fixing of synchronised team Missile Throwing in the North Korean Nuclear Games.

·     Crowd control and crash barriers at mixed doubles Speed Humping on Ice rallies.

·     English gentleman cricketers with cock and bollock boxes aggressively ‘sledging’ about the sexual habits of the other team’s batsman’s grandmother across slippery wickets in World Series Test Matches.

·     Regular monthly dope testing of women runners wearing gas masks and flippers in the 3 minute mile.

·     Yellow cards shown to religious fundamentalist footballers rag-heading the ball, using explosives to move the goal posts and leaving a dishevelled playing field.

·     Accusations of unfair advantage taken by the British Mens Downhill Lawnmower Racing team for wearing sock suspenders and riding side-saddle in the Dutch Grand Prix.

·     Corporate sponsored amateur Planetathon runners sniffing rocket fuel in the Race to the Sun finals.

·     Traces of performance enhancing drugs found on the remains of blood stained bikinis belonging to the British Womens Chain Saw Wrestling team after their collapse in the French Open quarter finals.

·     Young short distance runners heavily handicapped by blinkers and bomb belts in World Religion Racing.

·     Members of the London Ladies Fire Hose Swallowing team bending the Code of Conduct in the qualifying laps for pole position.

·     Gentlemens Tennis players picking at their penises and rectums through tight nylon knickers and long baggy shorts during ‘love’ service games.

·     The sexual discriminatory ban on Ladies Tennis players picking at their nipples, noo-noos and back bottoms through tight sports underbras, big thick knickers and flying pussy pelmets during ‘love’ service games.

            Nevertheless, despite the Full Scale Overarching Independent Public Enquiry into the well established sponsorruption of sport – even more noo sports noos (American pronunciation) will be coming up at the bottom of the hour, half an hour after the weather news before the top stories at the top of the hour have been repeated at the bottom of the hour just after the sports news – just in case you’ve just switched on or you’ve forgotten the top stories at the top of the hour being repeated at the bottom of the hour just after the sports news is repeated half an hour before the top stories at the top of the hour have been repeated just after the weather news, half an hour before the sports news is repeated at the bottom of the hour just before the……...

Meanwhile, Match Fixing, BBC Scottishosserty and the Sponsorruption of Sport continue to flourish – and yet magically disappear from the news, as if they have been surreptitiously swept under the carpet by the big stiff brush of vested interests therein invested. 

            “Well, blow my whistle!”