This week heralds the silly season of British political party conferences. Having heard some of the speeches and also their ghost writers talking about the weeks of painstaking writing and re-writing that go into producing a heartfelt political speech, I feel it necessary to offer them and their ministerial masters a few more ideas.
HOW TO WRITE A POLITICAL SPEECH
(clear throat before confident approach to lectern)
How often from our earliest beginnings have we heard the words “it’s not fair”. As a small boy, long since before becoming an erected member of parliament, I was always campaigning for fairness in my family and fairness at school – and fairness is still my guiding light in political life today. Now as the Deputy Chief Political Advisor to the Under Secretary of State for National Economic Development and Financial Affairs – I’d like to focus on the fairness which has inspired the construction of this government’s robust raft of well-thought-through progressive policies which we are unpacking and setting out on our stall for greater transparency in the weeks and months ahead of the next General Election.
Rest assured, I won’t allow your eyes to glaze over by talking about monetary policy, fiscal policy, the MPC, derivatives, hedge funds, the FPC, the CPSA, sovereign leverage, mirror holdings, the IMF, dark assets, the FTSE, short selling, acquisition modules, the PRA, the FSA, delegatory instruments, BOE financial horizons, regulatory resilience, retail investment firewalls, capital requirements, underlaps, prudential regulation, front loaded structural deficits, asset backed futures, the EFSM, interest rates, toxic holdings, the sub-prime market, collar credit swaps, liquidity, forward anchor indemnities, collateralised debt obligations and the shadow banking system, because we in Whitehall – who are responsible for dealing with the complexities of allocating billions of pounds of tax payers’ money to the various governmental public expenditure departments – are also very interested in simple common or garden fairness, and it’s this fairness that I want to talk about today.
First of all, the previous government was and still is in a state of denial about the real causes of the banking crisis which left this country with a huge financial budget deficit. They tried to shoot the messenger who had gone the extra mile with the elephant in the room staring them in the face. And to make matters worse, they flatly refused to get out of the box and through a window of opportunity to see the bigger picture of what was leading them up the garden path. Absolutely no-one in their right mind would keep kicking the can down the road when they could stroll round the corner, lean on the lender of last resort and get some quick and easy Quantitative Easing from the Bank of England’s cash machine.
Secondly, there’s absolutely no mileage in bashing the bankers – they are a national treasure, treasured by the treasury, and we won’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. The banks are the backbone of this country’s 76% service industry, and we need our banks and financial institutions to compete in world financial markets, or else we’ll end up at the end of the day. We cannot afford to lag behind in the league tables of world financial markets and leave the bankers sitting on their hands while small and tedium sized British businesses are going to the wall. This would be letting the economy fall into Elliotts Trap.
(use sincerity of talking to grandmother in care home for the following)
I was up and down the country the other day talking to a man in the street called Sanjeev, who said he was being kicked into the long grass by government cut-backs cutting his disability benefits. I said that hard work never killed anyone and he should get on his bike and get back to work. Sanjeev said to me that he’d been a coal miner for 43 years and now has chronic health problems. But despite that, he found a part-time job in a factory where he’d been run over by a fork lift truck. Fortunately the truck wasn’t fully loaded and he’s now back on his feet. This clearly goes to show that if low paid workers like Sanjeev at grass roots level can get their noses to the grindstone, then we can all do the same and pull together at the coalface of the economy, and get this country off its back and back on its feet.
We won’t get the job done by swearing hair shirts and sandals looking through rose tinted spectacles once in a blue moon. Make no bones about it – we are not pussyfooting around walking on egg shells. This government has been given a mandate by the British people to get all its ducks in a row, come hell or high water. By any stretch of the imagination, it doesn’t take being held over a barrel for a month of Sundays with two hands tied behind our backs to convince us of the benefits of cutbacks. We only need to open our hearts and minds to suffering some of the setbacks of progressive political policies – no pain no gain as they say – which in all fairness at the beginning of the day will ring fence our essential front line services, while at the same time reduce our huge financial budget deficit.
In these challenging times, the challenges we face will clearly be challenging as we bump along the bottom of a double-drip economic recession. Each and every challenge must be met with robust aspirations for outcomes. This is no time to stop and smell the roses, or go flatlining. We must leave no stone unturned on the rocky road to recovery, and we will certainly not move on by resting on our laurels with our heads in the sand, contemplating our navels about the outcomes of a chicken and egg situation. As a previous Prime Minister so wisely once said – “when our backs are against the wall, we must turn round and fight”. Fight for recovery, fight for growth and fight for fairness!
(calm down – then grasp lectern with both hands)
Some people say that fairness is rare in this unfair world of ours, and in my neck of the woods others say fairness is as rare as hens teeth. The fact of the matter is that in the final analysis, every challenge robustly challenged will provide an outcome – the outcome of which will be a fresh set of challenges to get our heads round and our teeth into, as long as we don’t bite the hand that feeds us. It absolutely doesn’t matter where you’re coming from, because we will give every man, woman and child down and up the country, the incentives to meet their expectations and aspirations for higher and higher standards of living.
We are now priming the pump to give everyone a fair crack of the whip without leaving the stable door open for the previous government’s wild horses to drag us back to a future on the old rickety roller coaster of boom and bust economics. And to be absolutely fair to rich and powerful people, we won’t push the brown envelope too far down their throats because we want them to stay in the
and show us all how to get from rags to riches in one fowl swoop. However this
could take time. After all is said and done, UK wasn’t built in a day and it would clearly
be counter-productive to count our chickens before they’re hatched. Rome
The last lack-lustre lame duck government opened the flood gates for reckless private and public sector spending and borrowing which caught them like rabbits in the headlamps of the greatest British economic car crash since well before the King died. Who in the world would stay in their comfort zone when the writing is on the wall – only a government well past its sell by date! Furthermore, I believe it’s absolutely not rocket science to lay a level playing field without moving the goal posts. It goes with the territory to go right up to the wire and right round the ring fence (without cutting corners off the cutbacks) in order to give the British people what they deserve – fairness, fairness, fairness!
(bang fist three times on lectern for emphasis – but don’t knock over glass of water)
I passionately believe that the British people are not risk averse and are prepared to hedge downside risks by making a leap of faith and going where angels fear to tread in order to bring about a sea change across this land, despite some sharp showers. In point of fact, it’s these very same sharp showers that small and medium sized British businesses will welcome to water the green shoots of recovery. Clearly, we cannot afford to shit on the fence dangling a toe in the water when we can all roll up our sleeves and dive in the deep end, now that the political boot is on the other foot climbing the ladder of down to earth fairness. Fairness has got legs, and in the long run it’s those legs that will lead us to recovery!
We especially want to see fairness for women’s legs in the workplace. For far too long, women have been fully stretched right up a career ladder, only to come up against a badly stained glass ceiling frustrating their desire for equal pay and top positions with their male counterpants. The upcoming round of talks between women’s frights movements, non-governmental organisations, trade onion leaders and Confederation of British Industry spokesmen will be coming up soon, and we hope this round of stalks will lead to the next leg of step changes going forward. We also hope that when they’ve tabled their motions they will not turn their noses up, but just open a window of opportunity for getting a grip on more women in the boardroom and more women sitting on standing committees. We can’t wave a magic wand to put this to rights, but we can say what’s good for the goose is good for the gander!
(pause for sip of water and whoops from women)
The opposition parties have got more hang-ups than a Christmas tree in thinking they can put the fart before the horse, trying to play the end game without going to hell in a hand cart. The previous government clearly made a big dog’s breakfast out of the British economy, and it came down on them like a ton of bricks. They killed the goose that laid the golden egg, and they’re still barking up the wrong tree without any robust policies that even come close to cutting the mustard of our huge budget deficit. They thought they could keep their heads above water by sweeping the deficit under the carpet, but that was tantamount to turkeys voting for Christmas. Without a leg to stand on, they used a wing and a prayer to get on the roof but then they refused to fix it when the sun was shining. However, the sun is now shining brightly on a robust and responsible government which is prepared to grasp the nettle of fairness and give it to the British people!
Some might say you must be joking, your policies are counter intuitive – but we say when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Clearly, we can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear stuck between a rock and a hard place, so we won’t go there. And even if this country is on its knees and up to its neck in sovereign debt, we will give short shrift to those who think that our policies are not robust enough. The robustness of our well-thought-through policies doe snot mean that we are control freaks of top-down parliamentary party power games – the type of games that were played by the previous government’s executive to get bills passed without a second reading in the cold light of day. Where’s the fairness in that?
We believe the fairest way going forward is to replace the old party voting mechanism with a new free voting mechanism. Therefore, we will strictly restrict the party whips whipping backbenchers off their seats and into the lobbies forcing them to turn the other cheek, vote against their consciences, and vote against their constituency constituents’ best interests. In the past this parliamentary party game has led to a backlash with cries of “it’s not fair”, especially across the cross party back benches. So we will walk our talk for fairness in the lower chamber of the mother of all parliaments. If the other parties want to beat about the bush playing games in the House and with the British economy – then we say no way. We will only play a game if it’s called fairness!
(short pause – adjust spectacles and look serious)
I’m pleased to say we are giving the go ahead for slowing down the rate of increase in the number of unresolved issues that have given rise to a backlog of pending decisions which are dependent on internal review bodies sorting out the chiff from the chaff in departmental administrative procedures. When the review reports are drawn up, we can then go forward to assess the impact of their findings and recommendations on our proposals for the analgamation of the complementalities that exist somewhere between the various departments’ traditionally mutually exclusive operations. However, these review processes do take time and include the time it takes to line up a timeline. After all, it would be a false economy to adopt a pelican approach when opening up a window of opportunity for down-sizing over inflated departmental levels of internal expenditure.
In the short term it’s not possible to predict the outcome of mid-term throughputs in the timeline - but in the long term we believe it is best practice to be open, honest, transparent and fair with the British people without being economical with the truth. The truth is, that the review processes regarding the long overdue decisions required for implementing the reforms and restructuring of departmental administrative operations will soon get up to speed, and then make recommendations for much needed efficiency savings in government back-office expenditure. These savings which are expected to be substantially more than just on pot plants and paper clips, can then be securitised by the Office for Budget Responsibility for the building of six new green ultra-safe nuclear power stations to meet our sovereign energy requirements for 2045. Despite all the radiation dangers, massive costs, decades to build and decades to de-commission, we believe nuclear power is fair for the economy, fair for the environment and fair for the British people.
(short pause for sip of water – hold glass between thumb and second finger to keep
first finger dry)
first finger dry)
Now, I want to be absolutely clear about clearing up any outstanding lack of clarity regarding our robust economic policies, particularly in relation to the cross-party Treasury Select Committee Comprehensive Spending Review. The comprehensiveness of the spending review committee’s enquiries into all aspects of the economy is not just about spending, it’s also about savings, and above all – about balance. Firstly, we must balance the books – and not cook the books like a previous last chance Chancellor who turned his blind eye to the fire on the back burner in his overheated kitchen economy. Secondly, we will be taking the spending review recommendations into consideration as we keep in step with step changes towards a significant shift in public and private sector economic activity. This will in due course bring the British economy back into balance.
The Office for Budget Responsibility and the Comprehensive Spending Review Committee are standing shoulder to shoulder listening to representations from independent economic experts, treasury officials, non-governmental welfare agencies, business and trade bunion leaders and many other advisory bodies, who are all determined to reduce the increasing polarisation of differences between a multiplicity of derivational imperatives, all of which require transitional accommodation without disproportionate discretionary agendas over-egging the pudding.
The people of this country have known for donkeys years that the proof of the pudding is in the eating – which means if we want to taste the proof in the pudding of fairness, all the different ingredients must be thoroughly mixed together and then put to one side before cooking at a high temperature. However, we can’t make a pudding or an omelette without breaking eggs. And it’s with this process in mind that we are gathering the ingredients for recovery. We are currently examining preliminary estimates and forward planning proposals for public and private sector capital investment in national infrastructure programmes, including positive discriminatory incentives to stimulate regional growth, without any noticeable negative impact on aggregate expectations for non-inflationary economic development. Clearly this will require the setting up of special dispensation mechanisms for the allocation of resources that may be required to counteract interim assessments of anomalies which could adversely affect the fairness of our cross-subsidisation objectives. All things being equal and with a fair trade wind in our sails, these simple measures combined with flexibility, patience and due process will leave the way open for securitising, balancing and kick-starting the British economy for an export led recovery.
(short pause for recovery – then press on)
Returning to more immediate matters – cutbacks in the number of public sector social services employees will release money for the employment of many more Inland Revenue tax inspectors, to collect billions of pounds from off-shore tax havens. HMRC Recruitment is offering a valuable opportunity for wealthy corporate accountants to redeem their feelings of fairness, and achieve their ambitions for public spirited, all-in-this-together social status by working for the government – working for a charitable salary – and working for the good of the country. The prospect of doing a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay will incentivise these altruistic creative accountants to use their expert intimate knowledge of complex tax arrangements to reveal and recover the billions of pounds of uncollected tax oiling the wheels of big banks’ and major corporations’ double-dipping tax evasion mechanisms.
In a fair society all companies should pay their fair share of tax, but there will still be some small, medium and multi-national organisations that operate below the radar of national and international financial regulatory surveillance. This unfairness clearly means that we in
must find ways of carrying
the can without putting a spanner in the works of the European Financial
Stability Mechanism (aka Facility) whenever avoidable events occurring at home
or abroad give rise to friendly fire and collateral damage to the sovereignty
of our sovereign economy. Otherwise, our European partners in Britain might say – “you British had it
coming and now you’re a sprout short of a Christmas dinner stuck in the mud of
monarchy” – but they haven’t got a clue about where we’re coming from with our
sharp showers and green shoots. Brussels
(short pause for chuckles?)
In this absolutely challenging new age of austerity, I believe the great British fair-minded people nevertheless know which side their bread is buttered. They voted with their feet at the last General Election and kicked out a wild party parading under the banner of ‘tax spend and borrow as if there’s no tomorrow’ – a party that took tax payers’ money to fund unfair wars in foreign countries – a party now clearly suffering from chronic Post Traumatic Election Disorder. We, on the other hand, are offering jam on the bread of the British economy without fear or favour. So when they shout about outcomes – we talk about incomes – our outcomes mean incomes – and the outcome of incomes is of course – fairness!
(pause for applause)
I believe it’s absolutely fair to say that each and every one of us is on a journey through life with millions of other people who want to share that journey on the road to fairness, happiness and prosperity. So we must stand up and start singing off the same hymn sheet. We need everyone pulling together in the national interest for perpetually increasing economic growth and rapidly rising levels of consumption – much more than make-do-and-mend. In the short term we are determined to raise our falling annual economic growth rate, and this drive for growth is hard-wired into our mid-term mechanism for upping the end game going forward with a new road map.
The bottom line is – this country must rise to the challenge of competing with stiff competition coming from the turbo-charged BRIC countries and their soaring economic growth rates. Clearly, we must now throw caution to the wind as those countries begin to get too big for their boots. With no holds barred, we must take off the gloves and fight with all our might for fairness, otherwise we won’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of ever getting to grips with the real world.
(steadily raise pitch and volume of voice to oratorical level)
In the real world of fairness we must remember to update our reality checks, because at the end of the day we are all under the same duvet. The challenges we face at present are clearly challenging, and we will need an extra 120% commitment in order to face up to the challenges that lie ahead, head on, without missing the bus that takes us to the plight at the end of the tunnel. But no problem. This government is fit for purpose – it does what it says on the tin – and that is fairness. Fairness for the rich, famous and powerful – fairness for those on middle incomes and fairness for the financially challenged – fairness for those with a glass half full and fairness for those with a glass half empty – fairness from the top down and fairness from the bottom up. We want everyone in this great country of ours to have their fair share of fairness. What we are saying is – give fairness a chance!
(step back and to side of lectern for long standing ovation while party activists sing “what we are saying – is give fairness a chance”)